Shaping Your Child with Positive Discipline - Part 2
Good Morning!
The time here in Vancouver, B.C. is 11:09 am, and preparing myself to go out and enjoy the beautiful weather here. Thought before I leave the house, I can post the second half of the article...so here is the second half of it.
Take care everyone and God bless!
"Shaping Your Child with Positive Discipline" (Part 2)
THE EMOTIONS OF DISCIPLINE
Anger is your enemy when disciplining your child. Angry discipline is a roller coaster: it is inconsistent and unpredictable. In fact, anger can lead to all of the negative forms of discipline listed above.
To discipline fairly and properly, draw a consistent line. Before you discipline, show your child the line, and let him know beforehand what behavior crosses over that line. Tell him lovingly what he has to do to stay inside your boundaries.
Children, even young ones, have an uncanny sense of where the line is drawn. Every person who deals with children-parent, teacher, or babysitter-has drawn a line, and the children know exactly where it is.
Imagine a child giving you trouble all night long. Just little things-she refuses to pick up her toys, come to the dinner table on time, clean her plate, or take a bath when she's told. She wants to watch five more minutes of television or run outside for a while.
She has been pushing the line and irritating you the entire evening, and she finally refuses to go to bed. She knows where the line is drawn. She knows she can get away with only so much nonsense before the discipline begins. Children love to push those limits and bump up against that line.
The truth of the matter is, parents can draw a line anywhere they want to.
My wife drew a line with our boys about a block-and-a-half from the house. I drew a line about six inches from their noses. Every parent is different-thank God that we are. Along with consistent discipline, children need to know how to respond appropriately to different kinds of authority. Children need the freedom to explore, and one parent provides that. The other parent may provide the hard line that children will encounter in situations later in life.
Draw the line, but keep in mind that anger hurts more than it helps in discipline.
You may think that anger is the only discipline your child will heed. But remember, anger is not discipline. Anger is vengeful, demeaning, impulsive punishment-not loving discipline.Remind the child of the line he is crossing, and deal with your anger in some other way. Children don't mind making parents angry, but an angry response always results in improper, and often, ineffective discipline.
When I was in school, I had a teacher by the name of Miss Pickford. We loved to make her angry because she would throw a book or an eraser at you. We would go to great lengths, spending recess plotting what we could do to get Miss Pickford to throw an eraser.
In one of his books, Dr. James Dobson tells about another schoolteacher. She was a large woman, and when she got angry, she'd jump on the desk and blow a whistle. Dr. Dobson said her students spent much of the day trying to do things to get her to jump on her desk and blow a whistle.
Children love to move up to that line. But take care with your anger-it can have surprising results. If you think anger equals obedience, you are wrong. For too many parents and teachers, their anger means entertainment for the uncontrolled kids, and very ineffective discipline. You think you got results, but they know they just got a rise out of you.
The time to discipline is before you get angry. Draw your discipline line way ahead of the anger line. If children cross the discipline line, make sure the correction is quick because they will move right on to the anger line. By then, the chances for good discipline are greatly diminished.
Suppose you are at your limit long before they begin to test you. You've had a really bad day, or a stressful situation has put you on the edge. If your anger is immediate, save the discipline for later. Give them a clear warning and a time when the discipline is coming. Whether you need to wait 1 hour or 24 hours, when you are angry, save the discipline for a time when it will be correct and sensible.
THE TOOLS OF DISCIPLINE
There are many tools parents have to use in proper discipline. When you use them, keep in mind that every child is different. A tool that is too weak to mold the will of one child may be strong enough to break the spirit of another. Choose your tools wisely.
One positive form of discipline is encouragement. Words of praise are important in any program of discipline. If your son behaved himself in a situation where he would normally run wild, tell him. If your daughter responded to correction the very first time, thank her.
Make sure your children hear when other parents or kids say something to you about their good behavior. Give them credit for what they have done-don't save the reward for yourself. You may think, "What a wonderful parent I am. I must be doing something right." Pass along the reward to them, "What a wonderful child you are. You must be doing something right!"
Second, you can discipline through rebuke. But rebuke each child in such a way that you don't compare him with his brother, sister, or anyone else. If a school teacher ever compares a child negatively to anybody else, I think that teacher ought to be fired on the spot. Comparisons are deadly to a child's self-esteem.
Third, the Old Testament says discipline with the rod. The New Testament says use a whip. We used a switch when our boys were young, and a belt when they got a little older. Dr. Dobson recommends using a wooden spoon.
The purpose of discipline is to get the child's attention, not to hurt him. Never abuse, shame, or embarrass your child. It may just take a word with one child, and the rod with another. But whatever it takes, get their full attention and let them know clearly, but kindly, the sting of stepping over the line.
How do you shape the will without breaking the spirit? Discipline in the right way at the right time with the right spirit. Consider the personality of each child, and adjust your discipline accordingly.
SAVE THE SELF-IMAGE!
Let me tell you just a few more things about breaking the Spirit. Common sense rules can keep you from making the fatal mistake of damaging your child's emotions. Every child will have damaged emotions in his life; we cannot keep him from it. But keep the pain as far away from your discipline as you can.
Teachers can see things in the classroom that they misjudge. For example, one teacher said that my wife, JoBeth, would have serious social problems all of her life.
You see, JoBeth was born in Laurel, Mississippi. When she moved with her family to Bloomington, Illinois, she brought with her a Southern accent.
On her first report card of first grade, the, teacher wrote a long note to her mother and father. She said, "Throughout her life, your daughter will have serious social problems because she does not relate well to people."
The teacher had no idea what the problem was. This little girl's Southern accent was totally foreign to children in the Midwest. The kids laughed and asked her to say different words to hear how it sounded. So rather than answering the questions the teacher asked her, she just kept quiet. The teacher interpreted this as a social problem. Yes, it was a social problem, but not of the variety this teacher imagined.
We do not forget these events from long ago, do we? My own story comes from the second grade. One day in class, the teacher called a spelling bee. She asked the smartest boy and the smartest girl to choose teams. I was a poor speller, but suddenly I felt smart. I begged to be chosen, but nobody wanted me. Finally, the teacher told one team to take me. Guess who lost the spelling match that day. I don't remember a thing in the world about second grade, not even the name of my teacher, but I remember that spelling bee. That event left a scar.
If events like these can leave a permanent scar on children, be sure that poor discipline can easily do the same. Your children can and will experience emotional pain when they are away from you. That is why, even in discipline, your arms should be a haven of safety for your child. Don't let the scars come from you. Don't be the one to damage the emotions of your child.
Parents, please realize that some things are more important than academic or athletic achievement. The self-esteem of your child is more important by far. Your children can go through life successfully never knowing the difference between a noun and a verb, but they will never emotionally survive outside your picket fence if their self-image is broken.
Discipline is so necessary, but consider it with care. Do not take it lightly. I can say truthfully that I have never seriously punished any of my children, either with a severe rebuke or with a belt, that I did not leave them and go off by myself and cry. And, I can truthfully say, I have never failed to return after such an experience to give them a hug at the right time. I did not cancel the discipline, apologize for it, or take it back. I just reminded them that I loved them.
Why is that so important? Because God says so. You see, He deals with your sin and with my sin that way. With law, grace, and tears.
God Bless You!
The time here in Vancouver, B.C. is 11:09 am, and preparing myself to go out and enjoy the beautiful weather here. Thought before I leave the house, I can post the second half of the article...so here is the second half of it.
Take care everyone and God bless!
"Shaping Your Child with Positive Discipline" (Part 2)
THE EMOTIONS OF DISCIPLINE
Anger is your enemy when disciplining your child. Angry discipline is a roller coaster: it is inconsistent and unpredictable. In fact, anger can lead to all of the negative forms of discipline listed above.
To discipline fairly and properly, draw a consistent line. Before you discipline, show your child the line, and let him know beforehand what behavior crosses over that line. Tell him lovingly what he has to do to stay inside your boundaries.
Children, even young ones, have an uncanny sense of where the line is drawn. Every person who deals with children-parent, teacher, or babysitter-has drawn a line, and the children know exactly where it is.
Imagine a child giving you trouble all night long. Just little things-she refuses to pick up her toys, come to the dinner table on time, clean her plate, or take a bath when she's told. She wants to watch five more minutes of television or run outside for a while.
She has been pushing the line and irritating you the entire evening, and she finally refuses to go to bed. She knows where the line is drawn. She knows she can get away with only so much nonsense before the discipline begins. Children love to push those limits and bump up against that line.
The truth of the matter is, parents can draw a line anywhere they want to.
My wife drew a line with our boys about a block-and-a-half from the house. I drew a line about six inches from their noses. Every parent is different-thank God that we are. Along with consistent discipline, children need to know how to respond appropriately to different kinds of authority. Children need the freedom to explore, and one parent provides that. The other parent may provide the hard line that children will encounter in situations later in life.
Draw the line, but keep in mind that anger hurts more than it helps in discipline.
You may think that anger is the only discipline your child will heed. But remember, anger is not discipline. Anger is vengeful, demeaning, impulsive punishment-not loving discipline.Remind the child of the line he is crossing, and deal with your anger in some other way. Children don't mind making parents angry, but an angry response always results in improper, and often, ineffective discipline.
When I was in school, I had a teacher by the name of Miss Pickford. We loved to make her angry because she would throw a book or an eraser at you. We would go to great lengths, spending recess plotting what we could do to get Miss Pickford to throw an eraser.
In one of his books, Dr. James Dobson tells about another schoolteacher. She was a large woman, and when she got angry, she'd jump on the desk and blow a whistle. Dr. Dobson said her students spent much of the day trying to do things to get her to jump on her desk and blow a whistle.
Children love to move up to that line. But take care with your anger-it can have surprising results. If you think anger equals obedience, you are wrong. For too many parents and teachers, their anger means entertainment for the uncontrolled kids, and very ineffective discipline. You think you got results, but they know they just got a rise out of you.
The time to discipline is before you get angry. Draw your discipline line way ahead of the anger line. If children cross the discipline line, make sure the correction is quick because they will move right on to the anger line. By then, the chances for good discipline are greatly diminished.
Suppose you are at your limit long before they begin to test you. You've had a really bad day, or a stressful situation has put you on the edge. If your anger is immediate, save the discipline for later. Give them a clear warning and a time when the discipline is coming. Whether you need to wait 1 hour or 24 hours, when you are angry, save the discipline for a time when it will be correct and sensible.
THE TOOLS OF DISCIPLINE
There are many tools parents have to use in proper discipline. When you use them, keep in mind that every child is different. A tool that is too weak to mold the will of one child may be strong enough to break the spirit of another. Choose your tools wisely.
One positive form of discipline is encouragement. Words of praise are important in any program of discipline. If your son behaved himself in a situation where he would normally run wild, tell him. If your daughter responded to correction the very first time, thank her.
Make sure your children hear when other parents or kids say something to you about their good behavior. Give them credit for what they have done-don't save the reward for yourself. You may think, "What a wonderful parent I am. I must be doing something right." Pass along the reward to them, "What a wonderful child you are. You must be doing something right!"
Second, you can discipline through rebuke. But rebuke each child in such a way that you don't compare him with his brother, sister, or anyone else. If a school teacher ever compares a child negatively to anybody else, I think that teacher ought to be fired on the spot. Comparisons are deadly to a child's self-esteem.
Third, the Old Testament says discipline with the rod. The New Testament says use a whip. We used a switch when our boys were young, and a belt when they got a little older. Dr. Dobson recommends using a wooden spoon.
The purpose of discipline is to get the child's attention, not to hurt him. Never abuse, shame, or embarrass your child. It may just take a word with one child, and the rod with another. But whatever it takes, get their full attention and let them know clearly, but kindly, the sting of stepping over the line.
How do you shape the will without breaking the spirit? Discipline in the right way at the right time with the right spirit. Consider the personality of each child, and adjust your discipline accordingly.
SAVE THE SELF-IMAGE!
Let me tell you just a few more things about breaking the Spirit. Common sense rules can keep you from making the fatal mistake of damaging your child's emotions. Every child will have damaged emotions in his life; we cannot keep him from it. But keep the pain as far away from your discipline as you can.
Teachers can see things in the classroom that they misjudge. For example, one teacher said that my wife, JoBeth, would have serious social problems all of her life.
You see, JoBeth was born in Laurel, Mississippi. When she moved with her family to Bloomington, Illinois, she brought with her a Southern accent.
On her first report card of first grade, the, teacher wrote a long note to her mother and father. She said, "Throughout her life, your daughter will have serious social problems because she does not relate well to people."
The teacher had no idea what the problem was. This little girl's Southern accent was totally foreign to children in the Midwest. The kids laughed and asked her to say different words to hear how it sounded. So rather than answering the questions the teacher asked her, she just kept quiet. The teacher interpreted this as a social problem. Yes, it was a social problem, but not of the variety this teacher imagined.
We do not forget these events from long ago, do we? My own story comes from the second grade. One day in class, the teacher called a spelling bee. She asked the smartest boy and the smartest girl to choose teams. I was a poor speller, but suddenly I felt smart. I begged to be chosen, but nobody wanted me. Finally, the teacher told one team to take me. Guess who lost the spelling match that day. I don't remember a thing in the world about second grade, not even the name of my teacher, but I remember that spelling bee. That event left a scar.
If events like these can leave a permanent scar on children, be sure that poor discipline can easily do the same. Your children can and will experience emotional pain when they are away from you. That is why, even in discipline, your arms should be a haven of safety for your child. Don't let the scars come from you. Don't be the one to damage the emotions of your child.
Parents, please realize that some things are more important than academic or athletic achievement. The self-esteem of your child is more important by far. Your children can go through life successfully never knowing the difference between a noun and a verb, but they will never emotionally survive outside your picket fence if their self-image is broken.
Discipline is so necessary, but consider it with care. Do not take it lightly. I can say truthfully that I have never seriously punished any of my children, either with a severe rebuke or with a belt, that I did not leave them and go off by myself and cry. And, I can truthfully say, I have never failed to return after such an experience to give them a hug at the right time. I did not cancel the discipline, apologize for it, or take it back. I just reminded them that I loved them.
Why is that so important? Because God says so. You see, He deals with your sin and with my sin that way. With law, grace, and tears.
God Bless You!
posted by mS eLoVe | 11:09 PM
1 Comments:
Thanks for stopping by on by blog. You have a great blog here and I have enjoyed reading it. I will make sure to come back often!
Matt
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